I got chris browned last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
