haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
