You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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