Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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