The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Found the puke drawer
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
