A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
