im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cut my penus on the lid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
