man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
