i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
