That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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