I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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