My first STD was from a foam party
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
