Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
