Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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