my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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