Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
