I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
