I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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