Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
