i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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