and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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