You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize