Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
