If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Enjoy the penises
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
