When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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