if i can run in heels then i can drive
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
