dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize