Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i love accidental penises.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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