Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We got so high we made milksteak
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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