if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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