I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
