note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
whose parrot is this?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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