Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
