You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize