I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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