Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Who died my cat blue again?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
