Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
