I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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