i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
