just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
