she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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