Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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