I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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