That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
