I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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