genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
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