I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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