I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I skipped work to stalk him.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
