I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
