and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
worst night to have a conscience
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
