so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
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