my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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