Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
