Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
