Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
