my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
