Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
