The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dick very happy bro
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize