I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
