we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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