So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She's the barista slut.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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