I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
