there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
