You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
