sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
