No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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