My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
