Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
