I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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