I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
