I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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